call me she-herc

most of the bloggers may have written about the year that ended or about the year that is just about to start. i am a blogger, but i want to be different.

i'd tell you about my 2 failures in profound words (not that i have written any anecdote in simple words, so far). yes, i took the long exam for two consecutive septembers. yes, i failed in both. yes, i took the test again, and yes, i still have the kind of expectations that can fill this page up in a jiffy. my heart is not made of stone. but my body is a big boulder--herculean even--that can endure the meanest tidal wave and come out unscathed. the fact alone that i can eat in a crowded restaurant by my lonesome is hard evidence of my imposing statement: i have lived through it all and i'm not taking any crap from anybody (except from my mom of course).

it wasn't easy. a close friend of mine once spent the whole day marveling at my inner poise. little did she know that it took a toll on my heart (literally). it skipped a few beats one morning, after i heard the bad news for the second time. but my grieving moment was as uneventful as the time i lost my first tooth. no one noticed. maybe because i still had 3 more to spare hanging like withered leaves and holding onto my gums for dear life. that's how i survived the first two storms that came into my life--hanging.

i never did expect empathy from loved ones. i just knew they'd be there for me...because they love me, and they took the first blow. nothing but unconditional love has saved me from all anxieties. it was more than enough to live by.

they say that the heart is incredibly resilient...its threshold for pain can match that of a woman undergoing labor. i agree. i'd probably be having twins and not feel a thing. no anesthetic has permeated my skin long enough to tell the story of how it has put my body to calming pleasure. i became a masochist.

but i'm no superwoman. i got my tough genes from my dad, this i cannot deny. my friends tell me my exterior does not complement my being sofspoken. haha! that could be used as a tool to deceive.

i have only God to thank for pulling me out of the dark. i have set my eyes on my ambition for a long time, i am not about to look away...for as long as i can write mean pleadings more credibly than a true-blue senior lawyer.

i believe i know my limits well enough to shirk away from over-confidence, and from overconfident fools who cannot tell fact from fiction. my stories are brave as the one who has lived to tell them. the path i have chosen may have been dodgy, and i have slipped many times...but the herculean effort to rise and pick myself up has been a great trade i will never mark for barter.

all told, it was a humbling experience. one that taught me how to choose my battles and win them all in God's time.

a red reunion

that time of the year came with much anticipation.

the carandang-magsino clan had every reason to celebrate. finally, real (and corporeal) blessings started pouring in. this is indeed a good chance to have a bit of every good thing imaginable within reach and without guilt.

these blessings went on to grace the colorful pages of our once untouched family album of veiled miseries and daily life struggles. so here we are, putting back the pieces to create our own less than perfect world.

now, merriments came by the handful. today, everyone was happy. not a single soul showed up with a hypocritical remark about not living "the good life" at last. we were all saved by the elusive golden bell. Midas was one demi-god who played hard to get at one point in our lives.

tarawoods was built to last forever. it's nature's haven. WE are part of this nature, however gloriously sated our skin and bones are with heavy make-up and moisturizers.

there was a time when i didn't see myself one with nature. we would wear name tags for what? identification, recognition or association? i was a fool for thinking this way. my mom's being hopeful and forgiving did not rub on me. i was quiet most of the program for fear of telling the wrong truths to my relatives who traveled 2 hours to prove that solidity and lineage definitely matter. we did the best we could to reach out to our relatives, under the circumstances.

i was a bit unfair to some, but who would've thought i would reach a point of isolation during puberty? i didn't bother looking at their encouraging eyes when they made an effort to get to know me behind the pair of geeky imaginary glasses i used to wear to feel invisible. for many times, i had hoped for calamity to swallow my 5'4 figure and spew me out just in time for merienda (i love brown puto!).

at a time when corruption is at its record high; when charter change seemed to suggest more of a piecemeal revision of the constitution than it promised; when the lehman brothers woke the big 5 up to alert the united nations' security council...the members of the carandang-magsino family were all smiles, wearing blue and red caps--not to fend off the sun's penetrating heat, but to have the exclusive sense of belonging--enjoying God's graces and blessings to maximum utility and dressed in colors of the rainbow (except indigo).

it was a time to feel impervious to pain, hurt and anger. it was a time for mending broken hearts and beliefs. it was a time for forgiveness.

my only regret is not knowing my cousins well enough to share their dreams and tell them that life is not so bad...if we hold on to what is real and never let go.

indeed, hope floats :)

here is where our stories and our daughters' and sons' stories shall be written and told under the oldest oak tree that once was lolo puti's legacy...and here is where i shall--for my lifetime at least--choose to spend red reunions...all decembers of my life.

spiderman and the chink in his armor

today was not as productive as i hoped it would be.

so i turned the tv on and started changing channels. i never really thought of settling since all the movies were already halfway to fin. channel 21 has always been my best bet. another hbo film is about to start in 00:08 seconds. so i waited 'til spidey came up. i hesitated. i didn't like the sequel. but this one showed the last spiderman movie where he fought the venom and the sandman. so i put down the remote and took to bed 2 fluffy pillows to hold my feet up against the cold air.

i enjoyed every minute of it. i was like watching it for the first time, when, in fact, i have seen the film more than thrice.

it was all about forgiveness with a few twists, and about being consumed by our inner narcissus. peter parker was too busy enjoying the kleig lights he forgot about the things that matter most. in the end, he learned how to forgive his uncle's killer and harry (the goblin's son).

i was touched by the way harry realized the deep hole he dug purposely to bury his friendship with peter, and how he managed to regain his sanity and think clearly despite the devil's advocate he found in his father's person, who was primarily reduced to a mere reflection after his tragic death in the sequel. harry's muddled judgment was his father's, not his. it was his father who took to his grave all the anger he had against those who mocked him during his lifetime.

for harry, it was a struggle, but was worth all peter's wait.

i wish i had that sense of resolution so i could fight inertia and get on with my life without a trace of regret. it's been awhile since i've held my head up and walked without looking back. maybe i'm just being extra careful, maybe not.

i wish i can forgive, i mean really forgive the orange's spawn who hurt me and cris not too long ago.