are you happy just conforming?

wouldn't it be swell knowing that you have lived your life the way you're not supposed to?

i don't mean infusing the bad stuff like drugs and alcohol into your system. God knows my undergraduate heart churns at the slightest glimpse of dried leaves, yearning to be covered, with unconventional ease, by silver foil and brown paper...it's more like cheating on destiny or deliberately hiding from the truth that people around you had set out for you to just take in and digest.

perhaps, you were born to be a drummer, but went on and lived a quiet life in the woods or in a seminary in some far off province even forrest gump dared not to set foot on to rediscover his accidental heroism. or maybe you were born into a charming family of farmers, but pursued a career in hockey or bowling, without a trace of regret for having left a vast tract of idle land in your own backyard. ho-hum.

i bet you were at your happiest while fulfilling dreams that are not yours to begin with.

there's nothing wrong with doing things that are expected of you. most of the time, you end up being just like your father (or mother)--a surgeon or a lawyer--maybe. exploring the life you have so gotten used to--the kind of life you were exposed to not out of choice, but out of nature. it's true, what they say...the leaf does not fall far from the tree.

but in the process, you may lose your identity, and if you're lucky, you might inherit your father's debts too. it's like enduring a power outage with a half-frozen, half-kilo beef inside your freezer--you're not sure if it's going to last the long night without smelling odd and in time for spaghetti-bonding the next day with your mom and your siblings, but you're sure that if you don't have that special "bonding" day, you'd feel restless and barren. which brings me to my next few questions: does living the life you are destined to live get to a point where you self-expire? does it have a shelf life?

until when is conforming conformable? until you realize you're just another walking cliche?

well, you wouldn't know if you don't try it, right? :)

alas, we'd all end up conforming, and behind every fufilled dream, there would always be this one tugging question stuck in your throat you might want to expel...before you actually throw up without meaning to.